aliveandticking

[He stiffens as she manhandles him and jerks back, breaking her grip. Reaching up, he tries to grab her hands in both of his, though he has only the aroma of them to guide him and that's pretty vague at this point.]

I get it!

[ she lets him take her hands, biting her lip ] Sorry. That was pretty rude.

[Don't apologize, Aradia, it makes him feel bad. He squeezes her hands tightly]

I just...don't know what you want from me. You don't know what it was fucking... ugh... how do you think it felt like when the first time I talked to you after I blew up your hive, you were so cold and distant? Like you practically hated me, except you didn't even give enough of a shit to do that?

... I didn't know I'd killed you, too. I didn't know what you were going through, and I know it was way worse for you, but it still sucked for me, aa.

I know. After I died, it was like... nothing mattered, and everything sucked, and the voices were really loud then, louder than they ever were before. It didn't even occur to me to tell anyone I was dead, because it didn't have anything to do with the game then, really! All I ever did was break stuff and bring about the apocalypse. I know I was really horrible to you, and you didn't deserve it, even if I wasn't doing it on purpose.

Yeah. [He sighs] Aa, I know you weren't doing it on purpose. I don't blame you... that's not what I'm trying to say.

It's just that I've spent the last few months thinking that you probably blamed me, and that we were through as friends or anything else. And then you hugged me, and I thought you were dead again. But now you're you again, and I just...don't know where I stand. Or what you want. Or fuck, what I want.

The first gogdamn thing you say is that you're okay with me going out with ff. And that's fine, I guess. But it doesn't really help.

I guess I should have actually asked you! I just assumed you didn't really want anything to do with me any more, at least not that way, after everything that happened... [ she shifts uncomfortably, scrunching her nose as she thinks this through ] I guess I came to terms with that before actually asking you if it was the truth.

[He nods slowly, his fingers rubbing hers in an unconscious way] I don't know, aa. It's not true that I want nothing to do with you. I still think you're amazing.

But I'm sort of...confused about my feelings about a lot of people right now. And you're probably at the top of the list.

[ she throws her arms around his neck impulsively, squeezing tight ] I still really care about you, you know. No matter how you work your feelings out, that won't change! Not any more. I'm done with dying.

[He's startled to get an armful of Aradia, for a couple of reasons, but he slowly wraps his arms around her and holds her tight] I still really care about you, too, aa. And...I'm sorry I'm so messed up.

I think a lot of us are pretty messed up. Maybe that's why we're here! So we can have a bit of a break to figure everything out.

[He hadn't thought of that. He shrugs and rests his chin on her shoulder]

Yeah, maybe. Who knows? I don't mind if we never go back.

We have to go back someday. [ she pets his hair absently while she thinks ] I think this place has a different time flow than our universe, so we can probably stay for a long time without affecting what happens there. But there are things we have to do.

[He mutters irritably, but he likes the petting and it's nice to just talk about something that's not very emotional]

I'm blind and have no powers. I don't think there's much I can do to save our race.

You would be surprised! I have a feeling there's still more for you to do. But you probably don't want to talk about this.

Not really. [He smiles sheepishly] Like I said, I'd be happy to stay here, aa. Maybe that'll change, but things seem a lot better than they were in the Veil, even if they're also pretty fucked up.

[ she bites her tongue on happenings at home for now. It's harder to keep track of here, anyway, the things that are, that were, that could be, that must not-- she has an inkling of them, from her awakened abilities and from the voices of the dead, but it still takes effort to keep them all straight-- so she lets that go as much as she can, even though it's always going to be in the back of her mind.

She withdraws a little, enough to look around the room, keeping her hands loosely around his shoulders so he'll know she's still there ]

It even feels nicer here! The air smells a lot fresher.

Yeah, that's true. [His smile relaxes a bit] I haven't really explored very much, obviously, but hopefully I'll get good enough in a couple more weeks to get around by myself. I hear there's a big city.

Yeah, there is! At least, it looked pretty big from where I was. I'm not really used to cities, so I don't know if it's big in general.

Well, I know I had to walk pretty damn far my first night. [Sollux looked a bit wry] Not sure where I showed up, but I was stuck in some kind of alley underground until tz and ck came to get me.

After I get settled wherever I'm staying, I think I'll explore a little! If there's an underground, I want to see it. [ hello old interests she's missed you dearly ]

[Wow, he hadn't expected to feel so good about her showing interest in something again. He smiles and reaches up, giving a lock of her hair a tug] Just be careful about the monsters. Not that you need to be careful.

I'm sure they can't be any worse here than in the game! I just need to find a whip. [ she pokes him in the cheek in retaliation, grinning ]

You don't have yours anymore? [He's startled by that] Though you always have your powers, too.

I don't think my captchalogue carried over! Anyway, when I was a robot, I mostly just punched things, so I unequipped the whipkind specibus after a while.

Oh, that sucks. Mine totally did, thank gog. I'd be nuts if I didn't have my husktop. [He grins suddenly, remembering how he reprogrammed Dave's to troll him.]

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